The true way to love someone.......

As we move through the holidays, I am reminded of what is important. Although I am fond of the spirit of kindness which embodies Christmas, we too often get lost in the storm of holiday purchases and twinkly lights. Much of the same can be said of love and people sometimes ask me what my ideal vision of love entails. I have often prided myself on not being too materialistic because I know what it’s like to be on both sides of the fence. As a man once said, “I’ve dined with kings and queens......and I’ve slept in alleys and dined on pork and beans.” I’ve had things and I’ve had to live without things. In the end, it’s not what matters and if there is a place we go after this, one things is for sure: we can’t take our possessions with us. So what is important? What is the true and purest way to love? As I’ve explained before, trying to answer such a question is akin to encapsulating the exact square footage of the universe. It simply can’t be done by conventional description. In such cases, I often find symbols and stories, parables and passages to be much more enlightening in cases where description fail. I wrote a short piece on love a while back and thought I would share it because to me, it is the true way to love someone. I hope it sheds some light:

This passage is from the 1956 movie "The Ten Commandments" which stars Charlton Heston in the lead role as Moses. It is a wonderful movie with many lessons of life nestled within its religious context. No matter what faith one comes from, all can take some tidbit of wisdom away from this epic film, regardless of whether you believe or not. The details are often just trifles and truth can be found in many places. The following is what Sephora (a sheperd girl) says to Moses after he is banished from a life of riches as the Prince of Egypt. He was proclaimed to be the deliverer who would lead the Hebrew slaves from bondage and into freedom. Moses feels lonely at this point, longing for his former love, and feels uncertain about the path his life should take. When asked about his former love, he admits she was beautiful but Sephora reminds him there is a beauty beyond the senses:


Sephora:

"A jewel has brilliant fire........ ...but it gives no warmth.

Our hands are not so soft........ but they can serve.

Our bodies not so white.........but they are strong.

Our lips are not perfumed......... but they speak the truth.

Love is not an art to us............. It’s life to us.

We are not dressed in gold and fine linen.............strength and honor are our clothing.

Our tents are not the columned halls of Egypt.......but our children play happily before them.

We can offer you little….........but we offer all we have."


-Beautiful in its simplicity and truth. The music and acting do this more justice than I ever can, but hopefully their eloquence will be captured by someone. Whenever you feel lonely, or scared or uncertain; because of what someone has done to you, or because of something you have done to someone else.....think of these words, and may they give you strength. Love, health, and prosperity to all as we close in on the holiday seasons.....the journey is almost over......as a new one waits just over the horizon.....

Emotional Judo: The Power of Empathy

Emotion has always been a fascinating subject for me. All throughout my scientific endeavors in both psychology and neuroscience, I always made an effort to learn more about this facet of human life. It surprised me to find the faintest hint of anything related to emotion which is counter-intuitive to the stereotypical notions of psychology being ‘feeling’ centered. People often conjure up images of a Freudian psychologist sitting next to patients lying down on a couch and asking them, “How does that make you feel?” In all its efforts to attain scientific credibility, psychology reduces emotions to nothing more than bio-chemical reactions in the brain and a defunct remnant from its predecessor: philosophy. It almost seems like the very word is a nameless threat that precludes its mention by anyone within the field. Almost as if we are afraid to talk about it. I believe this is somewhat cold and naive because emotional aptitude can be a very powerful tool. We seem to know all about the chemical precursors which signal neural transmission underlying certain emotions and its neuroanatomical origins yet we remain dangerously under-educated on emotions actual dynamics within the realm of interpersonal interactions. This seems reminiscent of the I.Q. fallacy which seemingly determines academic intelligence as measured by standardized testing. It seems strange to encapsulate the staggering diversity of human nature with a universal template that fails to capture even half of the human potential. In his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter more than I.Q, Daniel Goleman cites the research which suggests that I.Q. makes a 20% contribution to a person’s success with the remaining 80% unaccounted for and presumably consisting of several different factors such as emotional aptitude, connections, opportunities, and maybe even a little luck. He goes on to describe in great detail, the many facets of emotional intelligence and illuminates how they play a large role in people’s lives. It is an excellent read which I highly recommend to anyone interested. In chapter 7, Goleman illustrates the brilliance of what he terms ‘emotional judo’ through a wonderful story and I feel it serves as the perfect prototype for what I like to call the ‘empathy scale’.

The fine art of emotional judo is described by Goleman as the strategy of distraction, empathy and alternating negative emotion with a more positive focus. The strategy has been proven successful by research pertaining to self-regulation and anger. It is also what is missing the most in traditional structures of education. They teach us what to think; not how to think. Nonetheless, Goleman illustrates this concept beautifully with a story that I think serves as a perfect example of how empathy can work for us. The story is actually a true story as told by Terry Dobson who is one of the first westerners to study the martial art Aikido in Japan during the 1950s. Aikido is a system which emphasizes harmony of motion and redirecting the force of an attacker while protecting him from injury which poetically underlines the ironic parallel to emotional judo illustrated through this story. The story begins with Dobson riding home on a train in Tokyo one day. A large, disgruntled, unpleasant and intoxicated man gets on and begins to pester the fellow passengers. He antagonizes everyone on the train with insults and profanity, even taking a swing at a woman holding a baby who joins the rest of the terrified passengers in scurrying to the end of the car. This man seems to be spiralling down into a fit of rage as his movements become more erratic and dangerous. Terry, who was in excellent physical condition and spent 8 hours a day honing his skills in Aikido, felt it was his duty to do something in case anyone got hurt by this man’s reckless flailing and complete disregard for those around him. With strength and deliberation, Terry begins to stand. The drunken man sees this and begins to berate Terry as he moves towards him. Just as this happens, an elderly man in his 70s with a joyous disposition begins to beckon the unruly drunk with a friendly wave of his hand and says, “Hey! Come here! What have you been drinking?” The drunk comes over and screams back, “Sake and it’s none of your business old man!” The elderly man continues to reply in a kind and friendly tone, “That’s wonderful, absolutely wonderful! You see, I love sake too and drink it every night with my lovely wife as we sit on an old wooden bench in the garden and enjoy the evening.” The mood begins to shift in a very subtle and covert way. The drunken man seems to loosen his grip on malice and softens with every word as he listens to the friendly old man go on about his wife and his home. He remarks, “I’m sure you have a wonderful wife too...” At this point, after a moment of silence, the drunken man begins sobbing and tells him that his wife has passed away. He dives into the tale of how he lost his wife, lost his job and being ashamed of himself for everything that has happened. As the train arrived at Terry’s stop, he gets off but not before he catches the drunk sprawled out on the old mans lap. With a gentle kindness, the old man invites him over for dinner so he can tell him all about it. With this, Daniel Goleman concludes the chapter and story with one line that sums everything up perfectly: That is emotional brilliance.

I absolutely love that story because beneath its elegant simplicity, further examination reveals the power of a moment and the power of empathy. I think if you step back from this moment and get a bird’s eye view of the situation; you get what I like to call the ‘empathy scale’. Think about it for just a second. You have the train car which acts like scale. The drunken and unruly man is in the middle over the fulcrum underneath as he staggers back and forth between empathic understanding on one side in the form of the elderly man and swift moral vigilance on the other represented by Terry, the man with the skills to put him down in the event that compassion fails. To me, as I step back and look at this situation in that light, it represents to me the perfect scale for this unfortunate set of circumstances, referring of course to the drunken man’s predicament and anger. I have always believed in the power of compassion and I do not condone mindless violence. In the wrong hands, something like the martial arts can be like a loaded gun and represent a danger in its own right. However, the reality is that there are times when empathy fails, when compassion does not reach a certain individual. I have seen these individuals, met them, interacted with them.....in fact I’m related to one, sad to say. Things can happen and people can get hurt.....innocent people. Thankfully, it did not end up happening in this situation. The point is that a kind word and warm smile can often diffuse the situation (or neural hijacking as Daniel Goleman puts it) before it escalates to the point where violence becomes a necessity. However, if time does tip the scale from empathic resolve to violent confrontation, it’s best to be ready. What a story and what a situation. It took courage on both men’s part to face this large, angry man when no one else would. They may have had different tools in their belts, but one way or the other; he wasn’t going to be allowed to continue his rampage over innocent people. I have great respect for both men but especially for the old man’s courage and emotional brilliance. His tools were merely warmth, kindness, compassion and empathy. His courage and kind heart tipped the scale in favour of empathy and avoided a confrontation which would have caused more misery. These tools used knowingly can have more power in the right hands than any form of direct force. After all, Ghandi was able to free an entire nation from the British Empire without raising a fist or firing a single shot.  However, in the event that does not work and the scale tips, even the best of us would appreciate an archangel who watches over us and balances the scale. Until then, keep on smiling, offer a kind word and never forget the power of empathy.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing"

-          Edmund Burke

Reality Vs. Truth

Seems like a strange contrast doesn’t it? At first glance, one might ask aren’t they the same thing? Aren’t reality and the truth just synonyms? Well, it is my contention that they can be quite different things in this crazy hayride we call life. While such cosmic terms cannot lend themselves to accurate descriptions anymore than we can answer the question, “How large is the universe?” perhaps I can still offer some food for thought. Perhaps such dissociation can and often does exist.

While the issue of reality and truth has always been in the back of my mind, it only really crystallized when I watched the film, “The Rite”. The story was supposedly based on a book by Matt Baglio which followed his real life foray into the world of exorcisms, demonic possession and his own evolution from sceptic to believer. While I am not particularly religious, I do consider myself spiritual and very much fascinated by such matters. I have always believed there is something out there that is beyond our understanding – pretty un-academic huh? The film is actually an honest attempt to move beyond the gory horror genre that exorcism movies are generally confined to and makes an attempt to address the issues of faith and spirituality underneath. However, there aren’t any earth shattering revelations and the by the end you know you’ve seen a Hollywood polished film. Yet one scene towards the beginning still grabbed my attention and served as the impetus for my existential inquiry.

The film follows sceptic Michael Kovak who is studying to become a priest but has yet to receive the gift of faith and is highly sceptical of religion. In his words, he does believe in evil but questions whether it is the devil that is behind it. He seems lost yet still searching for answers, for undeniable proof. He is not sure he even wants to pursue this life and decides to finally quit. He writes a letter of resignation from the course and sends it off. The scene I alluded to begins with Michael crossing the street (how ironic and poetic?). A woman riding a bicycle is struck by a van as she adjusts and is gravely injured. With bystanders gathering around, Michael covers the dying woman with his jacket and tries to offer some gestures of comfort. Through the pouring rain and the black of night, she can see Michael’s uniform and mistakes him for an actual priest. With her final breaths, she asks him to bless her before she dies. It’s clear that her time is growing short and these may very well be her final moments on earth. She tells Michael she does not want to die like this and pleads with Michael for her last rites. Michael debates what to do considering that in reality he has only been studying and is not officially a priest. An additional inconvenient reality is his doubt of religion. Yet the truth is that this woman does not know any of this and she is dying....plain and simple. Soon, she will be gone and she is pleading for a few final moments of comfort as her conscience begs to be cleared and her spirit blessed. Michael begins to say the prayers as her gaze softens and she begins to drift away. For a few seconds, the raw truth of the moment supersedes any notion of reality and everyone looks on in quiet awe as her eyes close for the final time. Whether one believes in religion or not, believes in evil or not; the one thing that most people can understand is the need for comfort in the face of overwhelming circumstances. The truth is that she didn’t need to know the reality of his situation. She did not need an official or “real” priest; she needed to find comfort in the truth that she was not alone during those final moments.

For those interested, here is a link to the scene....I highly recommend watching it and giving it some thought.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoDsN4puIxY

So the question remains, are reality and truth the same thing? Perhaps it is more of a question of context and absolute rules are seldom found. I consider it more of a question of whether it is POSSIBLE that reality and truth can be two different things. I’ve come to the conclusion that yes it can. I often find that reality is “the way things are” while the truth is more along the lines of “the way things should or can be.” The grim reality of cruelty and evil in our world reveal themselves through an infinite number of horrific acts which stain the history of mankind. From the six million jews exterminated by the Nazis to animal cruelty to bullying in our schools; the reality is that we can be a wretched species. At the same time, we also have an incredibly plastic mind that can adapt the ‘truth perceived’ to the ‘reality experienced’. Viktor Frankl writes in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning” that during his horrific treatment in the concentration camps at the hands of the Nazi’s, the one thing that kept him going was the ‘truth’ he realized after some time. The ‘truth’ that despite the reality of his hellish conditions, the way he reacted to this situation was a freedom that NO ONE could ever take away from him. In his mind, in his spirit, he could choose and while it was small consolation, this ‘truth’ allowed him to survive his ‘reality’. In his words:

“...occasionally I looked at the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife's image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise.

A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth -- that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way—an honorable way—in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words: The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory...."

The power of the human spirit is truly awe inspiring in such situations. Similar examples reveal themselves in all sorts of situations which illuminate the power of the truth as perceived during different realities. Athletes endure pain and agony for an ideal they hold dear. An unconventional context like professional wrestling is ripe with examples. Why would someone go through more physical pain than most traditional “athletes” when they don’t have to? It’s pre-determined right? The reason is because despite the reality of its orchestrated nature, these men and women believe in an idea, in a vision, in a truth only few are privileged to perceive. The truth is that it’s not how hard you hit; it’s how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward (as Rocky Balboa would say). That’s how legends are born. I’ve seen men be driven head first into a pile of thumbtacks, have their necks broken on live TV and not only keep going but have the people in the arena LITERALLY will them back to their feet with a standing ovation. That may not be real in the traditional sense but the feelings and emotions are true; it becomes true in a sense. As Picasso once said “Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth.”

At the end of the day, it’s up to each person to decide what is real and what the truth is. Do they coincide or are they separate?  Does it matter? Is it something you believe or is it something someone tells you? Perhaps I’m just over-analyzing as usual. The one thing I do know is that reality can be truly underwhelming. Sometimes the truth is that there is something out there. Something you can’t put your finger on, something that stops time briefly and can happen anywhere. Something that you can’t even label with traditional forms of language and can only be felt within the heart. As it`s been said before, something that much like the wind in the trees, it may not be visible, but we can see and hear its effects. The reality may be that I`m simply confusing my terms and being a little too existential. Or....the truth could be that the human mind and spirit is capable of more than we give it credit for. I leave such judgments to you but as you ponder and pontificate, remember what Aristotle said:

-          “It is the mark of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

Stone Walls Do Not a Prison Make; Nor Iron Bars a Cage....

      "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

                             -Ralph Waldo Emerson

The typical introduction might involve a description of who I am or perhaps who I aspire to be and what goals I want to achieve. Instead, I would like my first blog entry to be somewhat unique yet specifically with a purpose and not simply different for the sake of different. Instead of the typical breakdown, I would like to encapsulate the type of person I would NOT like to turn into, a fear I’ve had for quite some time. This may be somewhat strange but I believe it is an essential component to, ironically enough, who I am as a person. I could list my passions, my academic endeavours in psychology and neuroscience, my lifelong self-reflection and observation of life, interest in nutrition and exercise, the fact that I am something of a film buff, my thoughts, beliefs, goals, etc.  All of those will hopefully reveal themselves in greater detail with coming entries, but they still lack contrast. I would be giving you the object, but no background to compare it to; thus, the picture would be incomplete. So I thought it would be nice to take a rather unique approach and touch on a fear of mine: turning into something I’m not.

In the summer of 2010, Sylvester Stallone released a film called ‘The Expendables’. It was a testosterone impaired, mayhem filled homage to the muscle bound action films of the 1980s where big biceps and huge explosions usurped any semblance of cinematic quality (I promise this is going somewhere). A part of me takes a guilty pleasure in those 80s action movies, but then again, I did grow up on them. Nonetheless, this particular resurrection of that genre did not miss an opportunity....to miss an opportunity.  This film could have been better but suffered from the same flaws that many of its predecessors had. A lack of real story, bad cheesy acting, and huge explosions marred a cast of action stars who did their best to give the people what they wanted. Hey, not everything can be Schindler’s List right? Despite all of this, there came an unexpected phoenix which rose from the ashes of mediocrity. A single scene starring Oscar nominated actor Mickey Rourke. This one scene seemed to have no place in the rest of the film as it’s awe inspiring performance seemed to move the very soul of all who had witnessed it. There were many in the audience who whispered, “Where did that come from?” It has garnered something of a following online and its clip shown on youtube is worth more than most films released these days. Ironically enough, it beautifully encapsulated exactly who I did NOT want to become and still mesmerizes me to this day. I keep it in my mental rolladex to remind me of how precarious life can be and how careful WE must be in preserving the light within. I believe in the yin-yang/light-dark dichotomies of human nature. I also know that I can feel the good within me and believe it steers the ship but I am also aware that a good shove can push anyone out of the proverbial light. I’ve seen it happen before as have the rest of us.

Here is a link to the clip. I own nothing and am merely offering my thoughts on the scene. I highly encourage watching it from beginning to end in order to fully grasp what I am trying to convey. It is about 3 minutes long and please note that while the beginning starts off with the typical ‘male-to-male’ rhetoric, stick with it and I promise that by the end you will realize there is much being said beneath the surface.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OXwVxIN_kA

Hopefully, you have had a chance to see the clip and felt what I did the first time I saw it. WOW is all I could think of and I spent the rest of the film wishing I could relive that moment again. The scene is very much sad, both in its nature as well as its eerie connection to real life. With all the horrible things happening around the world and the bloody history of mankind, it’s not hard to imagine someone out there feeling a similar way and finding themselves tired of life. Sadly, it’s also not hard to imagine someone who would turn around and walk away....until they hear that splash. Some say that the greatest disease afflicting mankind is the one of indifference, the capacity to NOT care and simply shut ourselves off from each other. It’s probably what frightens me the most. To wake up one day and find myself in a cage of apathy, unable to care anymore. I have always believed in the old saying, “The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.” Life is dynamic and nothing stays the same. We change, life changes, the world changes. In the midst of that storm, we must remain vigilant in keeping the fire inside alive and keep ourselves free from the bondage of indifference. This scene is a hauntingly beautiful example of what can happen when life sometimes gets the better of us and we feel nothing but a void. The experience of war is not a prerequisite and offers only one example of many in life where the circumstances can change a person into something else entirely. Too often we hear of cruelty and malice around the world. Too often we hear of 12-year olds hanging themselves in their parents’ backyard because they are tired of life and don’t want to go on. There is something very wrong with that indeed.....

I write this not to preach, but to provoke thought. We all have been through our fair share of problems and pain is a common denominator in human existence. Yet, there remains light. As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars.” The present day is marred by the same injustice and apathy that has plagued previous generations. Yet despite it all, there still remains good in this world. I only need to remind you of the moral compass in your own life. Perhaps it is family, a friend, a significant other or maybe even yourself. Perhaps it’s not even a real person, but a literary figure you always admired. Whoever your moral compass is, think of them in times of despair and pain, in times of indifference and apathy. Find strength in their unfailing courage and graft it onto your own soul. Be vigilant and do not let yourself come to a place where you turn a blind eye to the pain of others. I truly believe that signals the beginning of the end.  I think after all these years and everything I’ve been through in my own life; I learned that the only monster which plagues us is that of fear and confusion. We see it today and the world of yesterday knew it all too well. In his landmark political film, “The Great Dictator” (1940), Charlie Chaplin profoundly stated,

“We have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men's souls, has barricaded the world with hate; 
has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed.

We have developed speed but we have shut ourselves in:
machinery that gives abundance has left us in want.
Our knowledge has made us cynical,
our cleverness hard and unkind.
We think too much and feel too little;
More than machinery we need humanity;
More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness.

Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.”

In much the same way, today’s world is hampered by many of the same problems Mr. Chaplin so eloquently described all those years ago. Only today, it is much more subtle and stealthy, much more cloaked in facade. I write this not to preach apocalypse, but to plant a seed which might grow into something beautiful at the opportune moment. As they say, never let a good crisis go to waste. The next time you think kindness would be too soft, take too much energy, or be too time consuming, please think again. Kindness has moved mountains, saved lives and changed the course of human history on more than one occasion. Who knows, the day you refuse to turn your back; it may not be a life you save, but a piece of your own soul and the person you become twenty years from now may thank you deeply.

Above all else, please....... do not turn away and do not wait for that splash......

Stay true to yourself always,

Louis