My Talisman for Times of Trial and Tribulation

There have certainly been some rough spots in my life recently. Rejection, the feelings of failure and shame, even a loss on direction. However, a strange lack of guilt pervades my being as I remember that it is not by lack of effort but lack of opportunity which has steered me to a different place. There is no one who worked harder and I know in my heart, I did the very best I could. Not too many people can honestly say they have no regrets but in that respect, I truthfully have none. A strange yet peaceful feeling. I know what I must do, yet I am uncertain of how to get there. I have decided that steps will be taken and I must seek counsel of those who have helped me in the past. In the meantime, I have remembered that I carry with me the past words of a wiser self who still resides in me somewhere. It is there where I must find strength and deliberation to plan my next move and find courage in facing the future. My friend and fellow life coach Halrene (whom I very much recommend!) suggested I write two letters during one of our sessions: one to my past self and the other to my inner critic. Here is what resulted in my efforts.........

Letter 1: My Past Self

This is a letter to the boy I once was. I am the man you will become one day. I thought it would be nice to sit down and have a little chat. We have always been in contact and we know where everything stands, but sometimes it’s nice to sit down and actually say these things. It’s been a long hard road hasn’t it? People sometimes tell us it’s just begun; ironic that they don’t know how much has been crammed in already. They have eyes but they do not see. I suppose it was worth the drive though. You have turned into someone people are supposedly proud to know. It’s certainly much appreciated and although I have demons to contend with just like everyone else, I feel like I have developed equilibrium with my past. I have severed the ties that burn but kept the parts that have taught me what’s important in life. I suppose it’s a strange thing not to want to let go of a past that is filled with pain. People often look at me quizzically when I say that. Some things cannot be erased and there is some pain that time cannot mend; some hurts that go too deep. Pain is something like fear or anger; it cannot be abolished completely but it can be put in its place. It CAN work: through YOU. I don’t want to let go of a certain part of what I have been through, a certain part of you: my past self. It is that which gave rise to who I am today, to the tools which make me feel confident. Not that I can face everything without fault but that if I do fall, I can pick myself up again. That is the secret. Buddhism tells us that suffering lies in desire. The desire to get rid of pain is a distant cousin and shadow of the same greed which causes us suffering to begin with. A vicious cycle which is cloaked in a noble attempt to escape that which gives us pain. However, it is not the pain which we need to deal with. Pain is a common denominator of human existence and like it or not, it is here to stay. It is our inability to deal with pain which must be addressed. The ability to take what we have been through and like a diamond in the ruff, clean it off, chip away the rough edges and find something beautiful. Easier said than done but if it wasn’t difficult, it wouldn’t be worth doing right? 

One day, during an important period in your life, you will say this: “I seek not an end to the path, only the tools to stride in peace.” These words will become very important in your life one day and will represent a turn in the tide. The annunciation of truth and lightening captured in a bottle. I wish I could sit down with the boy I was for a little while; outside time and space where such things don’t matter. I wish I could tell you that everything will be all right, even through the bad times where hope seems to be a luxury you can’t afford. But the truth is I can’t because I am all that’s left of what you once were. I suppose another way of looking at it: I’ve evolved from what I once was but had to let go of some pieces. So this will have to do. I want you to know that you will not turn into who you fear, that you will meet tremendous people and do great things your heart values. Know that no matter what you go through, good or bad, no matter what happens: I know who you really are and I am very proud of you. Stay true to who we are and whenever you feel alone or in pain, always remember the truth in Phillip Brooks words: “Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but YOU shall be the miracle.”

Love,

Louis

Letter 2: My Inner Critic

Recently I sat down and had a productive chat with my past self and have decided that I will now speak with you: my inner critic. The one who suffers from two related diseases: ‘too much’ and ‘too little’. You have a track record of judging by these simplistic scales and being the devil on my shoulder. Fortunately there is an archangel on the other side. You tell me I am only as good as the world allows me to be; yet each time you say this, it is disproved by a time of compassion, warmth and understanding which defies the odds. Your presence is much like that of evil, pain and anger.  You cannot be abolished completely but you can be put in your place. It is said that evil often wins but seldom conquers. Much the same way, you have had times where you managed to corrupt my reason and rob me of my hope for brief periods of time. Moments where your judgment is deafening and the words seem to be all there is. However, much like Aretha Franklin once sang, “You can steal a crown from a king, break an angels wings, but you’re never going to break my faith....NEVER.”

The times of pain and hurt which you call failure have been cast into the light of truth. Revealed for what they really are. The truth is that they molded and shaped me into the man I am today. While you continue to remind me of the stern truth that I am not perfect, I remind YOU that I don’t want to be. I remind you that I am still proud of who I have become. My past was simply ‘baptism under fire’ and through that comes the only thing that really matters in this world: self-respect. Your close relatives: fear, anger, shame and pain; they still exist but they do not represent the giant beast which once stood before me. They are now a swarm which can be dangerous if not kept in check, but otherwise represent only an annoying hindrance. The truth is that I STILL have a job to do. I still have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. The truth is you will not stop me and you have already failed too many times to count. Much like evil, you win a few battles but very seldom do you win a war. The truth is that you have tried many times in the past and the one thing all those attempts share in common? FAILURE. You have failed each time. While the price of freedom remains eternal vigilance and I cannot let my guard down, you will not get in my way. I respectfully refuse to give up or give in.....I will NOT stop.....

Sincerely,

Louis

I am very proud of my past efforts, strength and courage. I am also very proud of these two pieces of writing and will carry them with me always, especially in times of trial and tribulation. A special thank you to Harlene and all those souls who have shown be kindness! My strength has often come from you......

To learn how to pick ourselves back up.....that is why we fall......